Made for More

During our time doing ministry in Eswatini, we have been doing street evangelism, or what we call Ask The Lord (ATL) on Mondays which is an incredible opportunity to share the Lord’s love with all kinds of people in Manzini! And as much as I love ATL days, it’s honestly really hard for me and I struggle to start conversations with people, which makes it kinda stressful. After our second ATL day, I was frustrated because according to my standards, both ATL days were a complete flop. Nothing cool happened, no crazy encounters or miracles, or even good conversation. I was becoming very annoyed at the fact that others had incredible testimonies to share, but I had nothing. Through that, as we were driving home from ATL, I felt the Lord asking me if I desired an encounter with someone more than I desired Him. Because no desire should come before my desire for the Lord, not even good things like being able to evangelize. He is my strength and gives me all that I need, so the moment I turn my face away from him and look at something else, I am mustering up my strength and not living out of a place of dependency on Him. As I kept reflecting with the Lord on this, He asked me why I so deeply wanted to encounter someone. In all honestly, it’s not all because I want to share the Lord’s love, although that’s part of it. But it’s mostly so that I can have a cool story to share and sound more faithful and share something cool with you. I remind myself of James 4:3-“When you ask you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on pleasures”. More than anything, I want to see fruit and look “righteous and godly.” But since when did righteousness depend on the fruitfulness of ministry? Last I checked, it doesn’t. And yet I just want to have fruit. We are called to bear the fruit of the spirit in our own lives, but I’m talking about seeing God move in ministry and having fruit in that way. Then I felt the Lord ask me if I would still be willing to follow where He leads even if no ATL days I wouldn’t see any fruit or even talk to anyone. Again, the honest response to that is no. The Lord calls us to leave it all behind and just follow him wherever He leads, trusting that he’ll bring us to where He needs us to be. And as we abide and follow him, that’s when we will see fruit in our own lives. John 15: 8 says “This is my father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” But I let myself get no the way of that.

There’s that pride again. Inching its way into areas of life I never saw coming. I just keep falling back into it and can’t seem to live in humility! I’m sure you are sick of hearing about my pride, and honestly, I’m sick of having it come up over and over again too. But the Lord is always working and I’m so glad that he does not simply leave me in my sin, but calls me higher. I know that the Lord desires healing for me, that I would no longer walk in ways he hasn’t created me to, and I do too. So what’s holding me back?

I asked the Lord to search my heart and show me why what I was doing was causing this, and he gave me a vision. It was me in a fighting ring with the enemy, and he was throwing punches at me like crazy even though I was already on the ground. I often act like a victim to the enemy and allow him to have control over my life, thinking that’s just the way things are, but that’s not true. In Christ, I am a victor and don’t have to submit to the enemy. Which means I have to fight back and not allow his lies to be what I live in. And the Lord showed me how He’s given me his armor to fight back and not submit. The Lord also longs to fight with me. When I do get knocked down by the enemy, the Lord is there to pick me up and help me keep fighting; I just have to choose to take hold of his hand. The Lord has made me for more, to live in his love and the truth of who He’s made me to be. I don’t have to submit to him. James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” The Lord has made me submit to Him alone and, from finding strength in him, be able to resist the devil. I can’t resist in my strength, only with the Lord by my side, helping me fight. And when I step into my identity as the Lord’s daughter, that is much easier to do. The Lord is for me, He’s not against me. So why should I say no to his longing to fight with me?

This is a poem that I wrote after the Lord showed me all of this:

You did not make me

To take every blow from the enemy

And submit to his lies

You did not make me

To be a victim

But a victor

You did not make me

To accept pride as my identity

But to fight back as Your child

You did not make me

To be defenseless before the devil

But to wear Your armor daily

You did not make me

To find delight in the world

But to delight in You alone

You made me for more

Prayer Requests

1. As I finish the last month and a half of the race, that I would continue to press into those around me and be present, not missing out on what the Lord has for me right now
2. Continued conviction and walking in humility
3. Clarity about what to do next year
4. Strength at the care point as we play with kids all day. Having a selfless and loving attitude toward the kids and patience