In a month, the Lord can do a lot, that's what I'm learning as I look back on India. But, as it has been through the rest of the race, the Lord has continued to humble me. Which isn't the most fun experience, but I'm so thankful that the Lord is ridding me of my pride and showing me just how much I must depend on him.

As it is already January and about that time that I start thinking about the future and worrying about what I'm going to do and where I'll go and all the thoughts that spiral when I start going down that path, surrendering my future was a big theme during India. Now, you'd think that I learned my lesson by changing my plans last April and still being ok, but no, I returned to the worry and trying to figure it all out on my own, not seeking the Lord on it and just trying to go the way that is easiest and seems most logical. But the Lord is not logical, which makes things quite complicated when that is how I like to think. But after all that worrying, I still have no idea what next year looks like, so all that worrying did nothing. But through that, the Lord showed me how much I still rely on myself and do not surrender everything to Him, and he reminded me of Isaiah 46:9, which says, "Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me." And he reminded me that He made it abundantly clear where I should be this year, so He will make it clear again where I should be next year. But it's just so easy for me to forget and think that I have to figure it all out. And yet the Lord has grace and reminds me that He's got it and He holds it all. 

Another area that the Lord worked on while in India was how I live in relationships with others. While working at the community center, I didn't feel like we were that much help. We tried teaching a class on PowerPoint, but it must've been really bad because they never asked us to do it again. We tried teaching English, but again, I don't feel like we were that helpful. This made "doing my job" quite hard. One thing we did have the ability to do was build lots of relationships with students. The issue for me was that the students were male, and in India, if women and men interact much, it is usually viewed as flirting. So, for me, it was hard to find the balance between respecting the culture but also being the Lord's hands and feet and living as He would. He broke cultural barriers but always came across lovingly. And I still don't know what that balance looks like, but I do know that I didn't grow deep with others because of that. And I think the Lord has more for me in that of learning to walk lovingly but still being his hands and feet and not letting the culture change the way that I love. Part of that is how much value I place in other's opinions of me, which is a lot, causing me to be embarrassed by many things and not walk in the complete freedom that the Lord has for me.

With so many things, I know the issues I have and the ways I don't fully depend on the Lord, I know that I fall into people pleasing and judge people sometimes and compare and... but the issue is getting that form head knowledge, to allowing the Lord to take over those spaces of my heart that I still hold onto and let Him change them. And because I know the issues, I just want them to be fixed, I just want God to change me. But that's not his way, and I'm trying to be thankful for that. He wants to work in the deepest parts of my heart, bringing up ways of thinking and things from my past that cause me to live the way I live. He is so kind and gentle in that process, giving me time and space, not just quickly fixing the issue with duct tape, but getting down to the root and changing me completely.

The other day, I was reading Psalm 103, and verse 4 says that the Lord "crowns you with love and compassion," and later on, in verse 8, it says "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." The very thing He crowns us with! Through that, He showed me that as an heir, or princess, my job is not simply to show up in front of the crowds and look like a princess, but to follow my father's lead and watch how He rules, knowing that one day, I will rule with him. But as I follow my father, and grow into the crown He has given me, I'm going to make mistakes and mess up, but my father is right there to guide me along correct me, and show me the right way. As I watch my father, I will walk in more compassion and love, because that is how my father walks. And as I do that, His kingdom will move more and more onto the earth through me. And so, right now, I'm learning to walk like my father and watching the way He rules over his kingdom, always in love and compassion, and slow to anger. 

Prayer Requests

1. Continued conviction from the Lord, that I would allow Him to move in me
2. Unity in our team as we do ministry in Nepal
3. Openness for the hearts of those we encounter in Nepal
4. Daily surrendering to the Lord in all areas of my life
5. Health, that food would not affect my stomach, and the cold would not affect me